rambles #02
More rambling yay, wonderful. Well I’ve been busy having a life so that’s why I haven’t been writing as much as I used to. Idk what to write but i just have the urge to write so fucking here it goes, I’ve been feeling pretty angry these past few weeks. An anger I cannot explain I just feel pure rage somedays and I have no clue why, I think it’s just the collective pressure of a lot of stuff, I’m angry at the fact I have to go to school for my job and don’t have to work, I like working why do I need to go to fucking school. I’m angry I haven’t done anything with my life. I’m angry that there is no socialist government, I’m angry that I do nothing basically. I’m angry I have to do yada yada you probably get it by now. It really is hurtful to be angry all the time, like in the past I was maybe the most optimistic person ever even if people didn’t want to accept that as true but I was, and now I’m just pissed 24/7.
An annoying thing happened for a few days where people jokingly called me trans, now I have never been trans and never will be trans and yet people still called me that. I don’t ever want to be trans personally because now you have to excuse me for saying this. I like being the only male grandkid on my side of the family, i feel great knowing that because it makes me feel special and not like I’m just a normal person. Plus if I were trans that would be even more of a dissapointing turn for my parents, being bi is one thing but trans? Dude you wouldn’t even discover my body that’s how mad they would be.
Idk if that’s connected to the anger part, maybe it is. I just feel like I’m currently nothing, I’m not the center of attention and as much as I normally like that for some reason i don’t anymore, it’s weird. I want people to talk with me about stuff but nobody does and it’s this strange thing where I feel like I do nothing. A friend of mine told me that I was the only person they talk to most of the time, and I somehow could not believe that because I feel like I do nothing. I don’t feel like I’m a friend I feel most of the time like I’m a co worker, like nobody actually likes to be in my vicinity but Yknow they still are friendly because nobody wants to be an asshole to a co worker. I just feel like I don’t really bring anything new to any friendships. I am a species slowly getting extinct, I bring nothing to the table.
At September 28th I believe, idk what time. I thought of the self execution of myself, I’ve been trying to stop that sickness in the brain from being thought up but sometimes it just randomly appears. I would never act on it, I’m not depressed or suicidal and yet I still sometimes wonder "okay but if I were to shoot myself with the rifle in my home what would happen? How would that impact anything, would that make people joyous? Yeah most likely, But my boyfriend would be sad and that matters more than what other people would feel" it’s strange I don’t know why I think of it, it’s weird it’s really weird.
The dog is going to be older soon, 4 years soon. And I really don’t feel anything about the dog, it’s this harmful thing that somehow still follows me still, even as much as I try to ignore it people keep against my wishes bring it up, I don’t want to hear about the dog I don’t want to talk about the dog I just want to move on. But I have thought about my headspace while slopping the dog together, I really haven’t changed much since it came out. I’m still the same person 4 years ago, just bi that’s basically all I can see. But I’m still the same there’s literally nothing different I’m still the same guy. I mean is that bad? Like you would expect 4 years to maybe somehow change someone but nope still the same dude. Like I personally do not believe people can change but should there not be a difference between old me and new me? Why am I still the same? Is this like my peak, is there nothing more to be done? It’s strange it really is.
I might be regressing to be honest because I’m just as hateful as I was when I still thought the dog was good and not a game only pedophiles love. Like I kinda mellowed out after the dog came out and became more optimistic, and was very optimistic after I did the old seller move. And now I’m basically in a rut and don’t know what to do.
I’m not really happy with where I am I’m not happy that I’m still in Germany I’m not happy that people still bring up the dog. It’s just negativity all around
I hope this ramble didn’t negatively impact you, reader. Because that would suck