Tiredness
I don't know why i am writing i just am i guess. I am pretty tired about everything, i am not enthused with doing anything. This whole day i spent time on House flipper simulator and nothing else. That is such a disappointing statement.
I can already feel this being a post that's just cringe. Well i have nothing else to talk about. Yesterday i read an old blog post i unlisted called "is hating myself bad" Now i won't repost it because its cringe and there are some things i don't agree with anymore but the basic gist is that. I am very stupid, like there is no statement that can disprove that. I am clinically stupid.
no doctor has said that but i mean who can trust doctors. (that sounds like me being some anti-vaxxer. It's not that i do not trust doctors it's just that i don't trust them with anything that has to do with the brain, i probably should make a different blog post about that)
Now what i was saying in the post is that I fear being unfulfilled. I am afraid that i will become nothing, no like talent that i make people like me.
I am not that interesting of an individual, so i have been trying to somehow someway make myself interessting. It has gotten to the point where i try to copy people, Mostly Esteemed German Director Werner Herzog
But i know that isn't me because i dislike copying people. I hate not being original, now that is a pretty stupid statement because Originality is not a thing that exists. It is made up to make people feel like what they do is not worth anything because oh you were inspired by something else like star wars or Primeval.
I feel like i'm going on Tangents so let me just simply say
I Hate myself, I hate whatever i make, I hate my voice, I hate that i am wasting my potential (if i ever had that) on nothing.
NOW I AM NOT DEPRESSED DON'T SEE IT AS THAT. I just do not like myself,
I wish i could have talent like the people i enjoy, i really wish i did but i don't. Now i could go off using stuff like AI ew But i am too morally stubborn to do that
I See other people with talent, which is every person i know and i have a part of me that dislikes myself for not being as good as they are.
I have a perfectionist mindset, even though i know that perfection doesn't exist, To qoute a qoute i saw once
perfection is a lie created by imperfect people to make people chase nothing - Janofin Strozken
I just have such a horrible feeling about myself doing anything. I give up before i even stood up
I don't think any of this makes sense this seems more like a schizophrenic rambling i am just glad i don't have schizophrenia but eh whatever.
In the end of that post i made I said that i am negative about myself to make other people feel better about themselves and that is the part i now disagree with.
My method was flawed because that doesn't make them feel better, that makes them feel sorry for me and i dislike that. I haven't figured out a new method yet so that is on the backburner.
But i just wish i had that, i don't know what it's called. Ego? i guess, it's not motivation it's Ego. That Thing that makes you do stuff that continues your engine turning, that isn't motivation, motivation comes from other people. EGO comes from oneself not from anybody else.
I wish i had that. I do
I don't know how to end this rambling. Well yesterday i watched a documentary called "Boy Interrupted" and if you want to cry then watch it. I don't really want to explain what it is about, but i can mention Suicide is discussed in the Documentary.
Maybe i can make a post about suicide and me that is such a fucking horrible collection of worlds. Suicide and me? This isn't fucking Marley and Me. But now that i mention that it would be a good title for one of those cringey creepypastas But yeah maybe in some days i will talk about that because, it's better to let things out then to like Hide them away. I really wish people would not hide away their feelings because that's
Okay i think i should stop rambling now. Thank you for reading this, i have to get back to doing nothing.